Bad Moods = "Bad Intelligence"
by Christian Recknagel
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One of the things I have learned in my study of Human Performance and Relationship management is that all people go through waves of good moods and bad moods. We all find ourselves at any given moment, in a high, clear state of mind or a low, distracted state of mind. I have also noticed how the way I see things and think about circumstances is very much affected by my mood or state of mind. In a bad mood I see a situation one way and in a good mood I see the same situation differently. In a bad mood, when faced with a month of little consulting work scheduled, I get worried, concerned, self doubting, etc. In a good mood, I see the same lack of work as an opportunity to do some creative development or paint the second bedroom like we have been planning to for a while. Knowing this has enabled me to be more patient with myself when I find myself in a low state of mind and, more importantly, to be more patient with others when I notice them in a low mood. What follows is a practical example of how this occurred in a situation I found myself in.
I attended a meeting at which I was presenting some information on effective communication and relationship management. One of my colleagues, Joe, was helping coordinate the meeting. Halfway through the second day of the meeting, Joe pulled me aside and informed me that two of the people hosting the meeting, Wayne and Sarah, had just verbally attacked him in response to an equipment failure that was going to push the agenda back and had created extra work for them. When Joe acknowledged their frustration, Sarah sprang back with expressing her dissatisfaction with problems they experienced at last year's meeting. This was the first Joe or I was aware of problems from last year.
Both of us were affected by the situation. We chose not to address it directly until some time had passed. The equipment problem was resolved and the rest of the meeting went smoothly. We chose to wait a few days until the dust settled (and we settled) before deciding how to approach it.
As Joe and I were leaving the meeting, Joe began to express his continued discomfort with how he was treated. He not only was surprised and upset at the way Wayne and Sarah treated him, but also that they would hold a grudge for a year. He was also surprised that I did not seem very concerned about it.
I told Joe that I wasn't pleased with how things went and was disappointed by the way Wayne and Sarah acted. I also said that they both apologized, which they did, and that I was sure they were disappointed in themselves. Joe thought I should be as upset as he was because I had a longer relationship with Wayne and Sarah, working with them at a previous consulting firm. As I was talking to Joe, an insight came to me about why I was less bothered by the situation that had nothing to do with the fact that I was not the one confronted. (I actually was confronted by Wayne at the meeting, but in a less direct way.) As I reflected on why I was not as bothered by the situation as Joe was, I realized that I have learned not to take things personally when they are the result of a low state of mind or bad mood. Things people say in a bad mood have no credibility to me. They are not driven by "clear thinking." This is why we often find ourselves saying "I can't believe I said/did that!" Joe Bailey, co-author of, "Slowing Down to the Speed of Life" defines moods as a "fluctuation in our quality of thinking." Therefore, a low mood would produce a low quality of thinking. When our mind clears, and our mood rises, even a little, we see how what we said or did is obviously inappropriate or ineffective, because we have a higher quality of thinking. This does not excuse "bad" behavior and I still expect people to be accountable for their actions, but I am able to engage with people in a healthier way by realizing that it was the low mood that drove their behavior, not ill intentions. Even if it is ill intentions, I know they are not coming from a clear state of mind or good mood, they come from an "ill" mood. I only put faith and trust in actions I know came from a clear state of mind. I also trust that if I can keep my head clear and not get caught up in reacting to someone else's overreaction, I will engage in the situation more effectively or realize that now is not a good time to address it and I should wait until the right time. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.
Joe seemed to see my point, although he did not get completely over the incident. He was, however, becoming much more reflective about it. We both realized that we also played a part in creating some of the circumstances that contributed to Wayne and Sarah's low mood. We received an e-mail from Wayne acknowledging his unprofessional behavior. We also sent a letter of apology for our lack of attention to some details of the meeting and some of our invalid assumptions. By maintaining some goodwill through being patient with Wayne and Sarah, and ourselves for that matter, we created a dynamic to continue the relationship and learn how to work with each other.
Misunderstandings, overreactions, uncalled for comments and the like, become less significant in relationships when people realize that everyone falls into a bad mood and actions that grow out of these moods have no credibility. "If we don't know we are in a low mood, we will trust our distorted perceptions and act on them, bringing pain and conflict to our relationships," says Joe Bailey. We can than realize that monitoring our moods and the moods of the people around us can help us navigate relationships more effectively. This does not imply we should just "get happy" or try to make others happy, (we've have all tried these strategies and suffered the consequences!) but to just be more sensitive to moods in ourselves and others. By being more aware of my own mood, I can better choose what to say or do at any given moment. I may even choose not to say or do at all! My attentiveness to the state of mind or mood in others around me enables me to respond to them appropriately and effectively.
©2006 Christian Recknagel